Miss Molly, being a fairly typical young lady, is enthralled by the sparkling vampire series Twilight. Since she’s been really good, helpful and enjoyable this summer during her vacation, I took her last night to see Twilight Eclipse.
Now, I know quite a few 40-something women who are head-over-heels for this flick as well and I cannot help but wonder…
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WOMEN THINKING?
A) The vamps SPARKLE when in sunlight? Oh.hell.no. Vampires burst into flames when subjected to sunlight. Unicorn poop sparkles. Unicorns & vampires are different mythical characters with different characteristics. To make an unicorn be a blood sucker is a better idea than having a vampire sparkle. I kept thinking of My Little Pony. >.<
B) The vamps do NOT transform into bats. That’s wrong on too many levels.
C) The plot. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella. Bella farted. Bella is in danger. Bella wants to be a vampire. Bella is in lurve with a vampire (who sparkles for the love of cheese!) and a werewolf named Jacob and they both lurve her. Bella. Bella. Bella. Ad nauseum.
D) Speaking of werewolves…when they’re in human form, all they wear is jeans shorts. Why not a shirt? It might rip when they morph? Apparently their shorts don’t rip. Hell, when werewolves, they aren’t wearing the shorts.
E) Edward, Edward, Edward…you emo little shit. Since you don’t burst into flames in the sun, how ’bout basting yourself with butter & working on a tan?
F) Bella wants to have sex with Edward, but he’s afraid he’ll kill her during the act. Oh, Puh-lease. Edward, you’re over 100 years old- who are you trying to kid? We all know the real reason you won’t have sex with her is that you don’t have your special Vampire Viagra.
During the *almost* sex scene, I couldn’t help it and openly suggested she go try to score some doggy style with Jacob.
Seriously, this movie hasn’t got one damned redeeming quality that would remotely make it attractive to a real adult. Unless…
Unless its redeeming quality is the equivalent of some 70 year old male panting hot & heavy over Alyssa Milano.
That’s sorta sad, really.
Give me this any day of the week.
Snigs' Spot 
He Said/She Said