Le Emo Sigh

Miss Molly, being a fairly typical young lady, is enthralled by the sparkling vampire series Twilight.  Since she’s been really good, helpful and enjoyable this summer during her vacation, I took her last night to see Twilight Eclipse.

Now, I know quite a few 40-something women who are head-over-heels for this flick as well and I cannot help but wonder…


A) The vamps SPARKLE when in sunlight? Oh.hell.no.  Vampires burst into flames when subjected to sunlight.  Unicorn poop sparkles.  Unicorns & vampires are different mythical characters with different characteristics.  To make an unicorn be a blood sucker is a better idea than having a vampire sparkle.  I kept thinking of My Little Pony. >.<

B)  The vamps do NOT transform into bats. That’s wrong on too many levels.

C)  The plot. Bella.  Bella.  Bella.  Bella.  Bella farted.  Bella is in danger.  Bella wants to be a vampire.  Bella is in lurve with a vampire (who sparkles for the love of cheese!) and a werewolf named Jacob and they both lurve her.  Bella.  Bella.  Bella.  Ad nauseum.

D)  Speaking of werewolves…when they’re in human form, all they wear is jeans shorts.  Why not a shirt?  It might rip when they morph?  Apparently their shorts don’t rip.  Hell, when werewolves, they aren’t wearing the shorts.

E)  Edward, Edward, Edward…you emo little shit.  Since you don’t burst into flames in the sun, how ’bout basting yourself with butter & working on a tan?

F)  Bella wants to have sex with Edward, but he’s afraid he’ll kill her during the act. Oh, Puh-lease.  Edward, you’re over 100 years old- who are you trying to kid?  We all know the real reason you won’t have sex with her is that you don’t have your special Vampire Viagra.

During the *almost* sex scene, I couldn’t help it and openly suggested she go try to score some doggy style with Jacob.

Seriously, this movie hasn’t got one damned redeeming quality that would remotely make it attractive to a real adult.  Unless…

Unless its redeeming quality is the equivalent of some 70 year old male panting hot & heavy over Alyssa Milano.

That’s sorta sad, really.

Give me this any day of the week.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Charles Pergiel
    Jul 18, 2010 @ 21:25:15

    My daughter is a big fan of twilight, or least she was last week, I think. Hard to keep track of what’s the current pick hit.

    “Oh. Hell. No.” shows as a link in the email I got. It doesn’t go anywhere.
    “Transylvania Mania” is very feeble, but the music is by Henry Mancini which almost makes up for it.

  2. Rho
    Jul 18, 2010 @ 23:49:32

    What I don’t like about the Bella/Edward relationship is that it’s such a warped relationship. Is the type of relationship that we want our daughters to have with their partners? I think not.

  3. Glenn Mark Cassel
    Jul 19, 2010 @ 00:15:20

    I have not watched any of them. I have been to Forks. Not impressed.
    And thanks for the age reminder, there, m’dear.

  4. snigsspot
    Jul 19, 2010 @ 07:55:20

    Charles- how old is your daughter? I can see it being a good teen chick flick. The fight scenes weren’t awesome enough to me to make it worth many dudes’ time.

    Rho- Heck no. I refuse to even try to go that deep with this storyline though. 😀

    Glenn- Remember, those cartoons were syndicated & in reruns before I ever saw them. 😀 I still love them though!

  5. Wai
    Jul 19, 2010 @ 17:59:01

    “Embrace Of The Vampire” has Alyssa Milano in several nude scenes.

  6. snigsspot
    Jul 19, 2010 @ 18:12:45

    Why is it I think there’s gonna be some mad wearing out of Google/youtube looking for that now?


  7. Rick
    Jul 19, 2010 @ 23:11:04

    Amen Snigs Amen

  8. Old NFO
    Jul 20, 2010 @ 07:59:44

    But… but… you’re NOT supposed to be critical… that’s “high” art… sigh…

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