Hover, Shift, Splash, Well Shit

I have a complaint! Now, I like how automatic toilets keep you from having to flush and either get ookey germs on your hands or risk dropping your shoe in the toilet when you flush via foot.

But dangit, I wish they weren’t quit so quick on the draw. I mean, at 44, I’m having a harder time maintaining The Hover Position…I’m either peeing more or have less stamina or something, because now in the midst of The Hover, I’m having to also execute The Foot Shift to maintain my balance.

Inevitably, when I execute The Foot Shift, the automatic toilet reads that as a sign that I’ve removed my butt from The Position and it starts into its automatic flush.


Now, while maintaining The Hover & executing The Foot Shift, I’m forced to make a choice…get my butt splashed with whatever the toilet throws at me (I mean, public toilets are like bidets–they spew when flushed!) or leave The Hover and stand up, possibly peeing down the back of my leg. Neither is a very pleasant option.

Um, ICK!

The Perch & Pray option went down the drain eons ago and when is the last time you actually saw a toilet seat cover dispenser with anything but dust in it?

There’s the option of covering the seat with half a roll of toilet paper, but some always ends up in the bowl and quickly wicks toilet water up to your butt, leaving you with that wide-eyed, oh-my-gawd-my-butt-has-toilet-water-on-it feeling.

Being a girl is just plain danged hard!


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lnda
    Jun 30, 2014 @ 08:58:28

    You know, I have never once in my life worried about what might be on the toilet seat. I mean, if it’s wet, or has obvious ‘something’ on it, go to another stall, but that is one thing I don’t worry about. We, as nurses know that ‘bugs’ need WARM, moisture to survive.The seats ARE NEVER warm! You still know how to start our week with laughter! I hope all your troubles are no more troubling than the toilet seat! (Is that an Irish wish?)

  2. Old NFO
    Jun 30, 2014 @ 21:16:07

    Oh man, er…. woman you just can’t win can ya!

  3. snigsspot
    Jun 30, 2014 @ 21:59:21

    Linda- they’ve actually come to the conclusion that HPV CAN live on a cold toilet seat…

    And no, the week is going downhill fast. State is in to do our survey…I’m cool with it, but the ADHD boss is going bonkers.

  4. Lnda
    Jul 01, 2014 @ 08:39:49

    Well, I’ll just have to take my chances, or wait until I get home. I’m to short to ‘hover’! Good luck with the state!

  5. Eaton Rapids Joe
    Jul 16, 2014 @ 09:25:43

    My worst experience with an automatic toilet occurred at work. I was wearing a dress shirt with 3/4″ wide vertical stripes. Every time I moved sideways even the tiniest bit the optical sensor saw a difference in brightness and flushed.

    A poopper and a bidet all in one.

    Were you wearing stripes?

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