Nursing Home Hijinks, Part 1

Sometimes, nursing home residents tell you a tale for the attention it will get them.  Sometimes, they’ll tell you a tale just to see what happens.  Other times, they’ll tell you a tale and not even know it.

The trick is figuring out which tale it is and how to handle it.

Ever notice how any trip to the doctor, hospital, etc… always begins with the question- When was your last BM?


I was giving Mrs. A her medications Tuesday, one of which is Miralax.  I’ve found it really helpful to find out how often, how much, & what consistency them thar BMs have to avoid dehydration after a few days of shitting a streak like a grease-eating goose.

Anyway, back to Mrs. A.  Mrs. A replies to my question with, “I ain’t shit in 5 days.”. The lingering odor led me to question her answer & I asked the question again.

I done tolt you, I ain’t shit in 5 days.

Very well then.  She’s taking enough laxative daily to produce a movement of Mount Rushmore…but she “ain’t shit in 5 days”…

Only one cure!  {Cue MC Hammer} It’s enema time & you can’t touch this.  Or at least you don’t want to touch this.

So, I lock up my cart and sashay to the med room & find a nice 1 liter bag, tubing, water & mineral oil.

And I head back down the hall.

And Mrs. A sees me coming- bag in hand.

And Mrs. A announces to Mrs. B, who she was yakking with in the hall, I GOTS TO SHIT!  OH LAWDY, I GOTS TO SHIT.

She turned that chair around & was wheeling down the hall at a speed that would make Richard Petty nervous.  I swear she went in her room on two wheels, leaving skid marks in the doorway.

All the while proclaiming I GOTS TO SHIT!

Walked in her room & could hear her in the bathroom, Please Lawd, let me shit again before  she crams that tube up my ass.

I can gladly say I got to pass the unused water filled bag on to another nurse for another patient.

Bet it will be awhile before she tries to pull that one again.



4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Portia
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 09:01:07

    Oh my God! So funny! Well, unless you’re the one left holding the bag. Or USING the bag.

    Only special people work in nursing homes! Sure hope if, or when, my folks may need one there is a nurse as caring as you there!

  2. Glenn Mark Cassel
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 09:07:30

    You were right about this one! 😀
    A fine example of the law of unintended consequences.

  3. Bob Perrow
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 09:14:49

    Not too often do I read something on the web that actually makes me laugh out loud. Today, Snig, you broke the pattern.

  4. Old NFO
    Sep 17, 2010 @ 09:41:31

    LOL- Gives holding the bag a WHOLE new meaning… 😛

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