FFS & to confuse the men even more

From Esquire- 11 Secrets Men Don’t Know About Women

Cursing alert- consider yourself warned.  I may use words I don’t normally use.


What a vapid little twat Stacey Grenrock Woods apparently is.

Her list- as it appears in the above linked article, with my thoughts.

1. Women don’t like explosions, in art or in life.  You, Miss Woods, may not like explosions in art or life.  *I*, however, enjoy them in movies, have enjoyed making a few small explosions right here at home and the most enjoyable relationships I’ve had in life had mini-explosions throughout.

2. Women aren’t as funny as men. We’re often cleverer, frequently wittier, but to be really funny demands a certain clownishness that our grace just does not allow. It’s fine, really it is.  I’ve known plenty of women who are far funnier than any man I’ve ever known.  Grace precludes clownishness?  Puh-lease.

3. We grow pathetic goatees and look awful in cargo shorts anyway.  Men look ridiculous in cargo shorts and goatees too.  Both are pathetic.

4. Women are aware of about 10 percent of the things men actually think and say about us. Best to keep it under five.  Not only are you vapid, but you checked your intuitiveness at the door as well?  Most men I have ever known were easier to read than the Sunday comics. I guess your ears are stopped up too?  Get out of your own little self-absorbed world and you’ll know the other 90% of what your man is thinking & saying about you.  “My chick is a vapid bitch” might be part of what your guy is thinking.

5. Women love to be taken out to eat. It makes our day.  I like to go out to eat occasionally, but what makes most a woman’s  day the most is their guy doing the dishes.  Doesn’t take much to ring your chimes, does it sweetheart?

6. A clean apartment will get you more bedroom antics than you’d think.  Granted the husband gets more “favors” when he does something around the house…the cleanliness of a guy’s house has never been a precursor as to what kind of “antics” he was treated to in the bedroom.  The house may be a wreck, but as long as the sheets were clean, I could manage to get as dirty as I wanted to.  In fact, some of the best sex I’ve had has been in places I wouldn’t want to eat at.  If you can’t concentrate on the act for paying attention to your surroundings, you don’t have much of a man.  Really.

7. Given the chance, women will smell and re-smell the scented-candle display at the store. We really can do this for ages.  Who doesn’t like stuff that smells good?  The reason we re-smell candles- we’re real women who live on balanced budgets.  We’re trying to decide which smells the best, because buying a sackful might mean eating bologna instead of steak this week.  Any bimbo who can do this for “ages” apparently doesn’t have much flowing through her brain.

8. Our clothes are complicated, our shoes unforgiving, and our constitutions delicate, so please, valet park.  I’ve danced most of my life.  I walk like a dancer- delicately & quietly, even in 6″ stilettos.  However, I (nor most women I know) do not have a “delicate constitution”.  Grow up.  If you can’t walk the walk in your shoes, trade them in for Granny Sandals and get your ass out of the fucking car and into the damned restaurant that’s sooooo making your day.  The world doesn’t revolve around your delicate fucking constitution. And your clothes are complicated?  Well, considering how much mental umph you’ve shown in this article, I can see where you’d think clothes were complicated.  Kudos to you for spelling big words like “complicated” & “constitutions” though.

9. Every living woman likes wedding stuff. Even lesbians.  What the fuck are you talking about?

10. “Girls’ night out” is usually some other woman’s idea.  NEWS FLASH!  She’s lying.

11. Women would rather be with you. We like you. Honestly, we talk about you all the time.  Yep, for the most part, we would.  But by the same token, we like for you to get the hell out of the house sometimes too.  Everybody needs some time alone- to think, drift, or just sleep.

These damned stories that are supposedly telling the opposite sex what we’re thinking, how we feel, what shit means really burn my ass.  If you’re so damned stupid that you need to buy Esquire or Cosmo or any of a gazillion meaningless magazines to supposedly figure it out, you’re a candidate for a Darwin Award.  Furthermore, this chick makes it sound like all women think about is themselves.  Vapid heifer.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mariah
    Mar 23, 2010 @ 14:19:54

    Bwaaahahaha.

    This woman knows nothing.

    However, I do have to agree about the clean house thing. A lot more happens in the bedroom when the house is clean. 🙂

  2. Old NFO
    Mar 23, 2010 @ 20:58:10

    Uh oh… dissension in the ranks… What’s coming next??? 🙂 I’m afraid I wouldn’t WANT to date that one, or anything else… I’d MUCH rather have a woman as an equal than clingy and dependent.

  3. snigsspot
    Mar 23, 2010 @ 21:14:43

    I’ve always wanted to feel like I was safe with my male counterpart, not “protected”, but safe. That may make no sense to anyone but me, but I’m not the shrinking violet “save me” type. This chick strikes me as the kind who wants a “My Heeeeee-row” type. Ugh.

    I think I’ll come up with my own list of “secrets”…of course they’ll only be secrets if someone is self-absorbed and thick headed. 😉

    And if I want the car parked by the valet, I’ll be driving myself, tyvm.

  4. Wai
    Mar 26, 2010 @ 05:04:02

    My secret is simply “be yourself.” If a chick doesn’t like you for who you are, then she’s not worth your time or effort. I like a woman who is comfortable in her own skin; isn’t afraid to fart or burp in my presence; isn’t clingy; doesn’t have the need to “fix” me (because I ain’t broken); isn’t the (extremely) jealous type; doesn’t mind my friend (nor me hers); and last, but not least, someone who is down-to-earth.

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