Jerry Would Even Shake His Head
28 Jan 2012 3 Comments
in Snigs BS
The characters:
Mr X who was involved in a vehicle crash
Mrs X, who is married to Mr X
Mrs Y, who is married to Mr Y & Girlfriend of Mr X
Papa X, father of Mr X
Miss C, girlfriend of Papa X
The setting
A semi-private hospital room where Mr X has been placed
The plot
Lord only knows for sure, but I’m gonna give it a go here.
Mr X was injured pretty doggone badly in a vehicle collision. Might have been a car crash or a motorcycle crash or a horse & buggy crash- I’m not saying.
Suffice it to say, he had some pretty debilitating injuries and perhaps he hasn’t been himself since the accident.
Enter Mrs X, Mr X’s wife. Estranged wife that is, as she threw him out a few days before his accident. Hmmm…perhaps he was an asshole before the accident as well? Could be.
Enter Mrs Y…Mr X’s GIRLFRIEND. She gets custody only on Wednesday & Friday nights. The rest of the week, his heart belongs to Mrs X, of course.
Then of course there is Papa X. Might be a good time to point out Papa X has stayed with his son every night. He’s so good at taking care of folks, that depending on which night of the week it is, he has also kept either Mrs. X OR Mrs. Y company…in the other bed…in Mr. X’s hospital room…um, 6 feet away from Mr. X. Mr. X has displayed some anger issues towards his father, perhaps in light of the sleeping arrangements. Perhaps in light of something else. Suffice it to say, when Mr. X kicked Papa X in the head, nobody but possibly Papa X was surprised.
Anyway, Papa X wants Mr X to come home with him and his live-in girlfriend, Miss C, until he’s completely recovered. Although this a responsible, noble thought, Miss C wants nothing to do with it. Because scramble-brained Mr X can tend to get aggitated and less than kind (see above). Not to mention, having to tend to Mr X might put a cramp in her lil’ ol’ style.
The time has come. The hospital bill has reached 3/4 of a million & there is no insurance & there will be no wringing blood from this turnip. So, Mr. X is going home with Mrs X on a Wednesday, even though that is Mrs. Y’s night to have him.
And as they’re leaving the hospital floor, it is heard clearly by all as Mr. X says (in a mangled fashion, mind you)
If you behave, I’ll give you some tonight.
Apparently, no matter how scrambled the brain & the balance of the body, one’s pecker still [thinks] it can perform. Also, no matter how busy doctors, nurses and other hospital employees might be, they will all take a moment to stop & nearly drop dead from laughter upon hearing something like this…
Fast forward to the present…
Papa X called me, asking for my help. Seems things went sour after Mr. X returned home. Number one, they hadn’t heard anything from one of the services the hospital agreed to provide & he wanted me to find out what the hold-up was. (Not my job dude, not even my facility!) Number 2…
Mrs. X kicked Mr. X to the curb. Mrs. Y’s husband wasn’t keen on the idea of Mr. X living with them, so Mr. X wound up at Papa X’s house…which didn’t sit well with Miss C, so she kicked Mr. X AND Papa X to the curb.
Then he asked, “When all of this is over, how ’bout you & me go out for dinner & drinks”.
Oh.
Hell.
No.
Not if he was the last man on Earth, had 4 gazillion dollars, 15 BMWs in the garage & was the spitting image of a young Harrison Ford. Maybe he can get on Springer & tell the story there & get some help & maybe a little action.
>.<
Come again?
26 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in Snigs BS
Earlier in the week, I had to test a man’s alertness & orientation.
“Hi. What’s your name?”
Mr. Smith
“Mr. Smith, how are you?”
Doing very well.
“Mr. Smith, do you know where you are?”
Yeah, Hospital X.
“Mr. Smith, why are you at Hospital X?”
‘Cause I’m pregnant.
“What?”
‘CAUSE I’M PREGNANT!
“You have a great day, Mr. Smith.”.
Yeah, I backed out of that room quickly.
Then today, I was doing a patient interview and the woman told me she’d be to our facility before. I asked her what she’d had done when she’d been there before.
I got my dicks taken out.
“WHAT?”
I got my dicks taken out.
“Mrs. Jones, where was this part?”
She scrambled around for awhile and finally pointed to her back. “My dicks, my dicks!”.
OOOOH, you had a DISK removed.
Sometime after that, I was coming down the hall reading some reports…got to the door of the room I was working in, made a hard left into…the window beside the door.
I know what the Windex birds feel like now.
Tomorrow.is.Friday.
Not sure I would make it if it wasn’t.
Bad weather is supposed to roll in after midnight. Maybe I should go to bed now in anticipation?
>.<
Dear Mr Arab Dude
24 Jan 2012 9 Comments
in Snigs BS
Last I noticed, I was in America.
I’m an American female. I prefer to be referred to as a lady even…most of the time.
Want to bring out the bitch in me?
Then push me to the side where you can exit the elevator in front of me one.more.friggin.time.
I don’t walk behind any man, with my head held down and I ain’t starting a new trend with you, Asshat.
I walk with my head up & at a pace I’d dare your ass to try to keep up with.
I’m not covering up any part of my body that I don’t want to and if you don’t like it, hop a plane back across either of the big ponds and feel free to bark at the hole on your way.
I sincerely hope your camel gives you fleas and worms.
Arrogant bastard.
Thunder & lightning
21 Jan 2012 6 Comments
in Snigs BS
very, very frightening!
And expensive, too.
Looks like Snigs is getting a new clothes dryer in the next few days.
At least it wasn’t as bad as what happened to Mama & Daddy a couple of summers ago…
Lightning ran in on her dryer & spot welded it in several places to the washing machine.
Sheesh.
Week in review
15 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in Snigs BS
Monday & Tuesday felt like two weeks instead of two days.
Perhaps that’s because I worked the weekend? Who knows.
Lack of true rest meant by Wednesday, my throat was sore & I had a headache.
Thursday morning, bright and early at the hospital because the husband’s stress test from December was positive for problems.
One of the stents previously placed wasn’t quite big enough and was already 75% blocked again. Restented, with a bigger stent, and they ruptured the right coronary artery…which was a slight problem, but was fixed. The extra time spent fixing that meant they couldn’t get to two spots in the left coronary artery that are slightly narrowed this time, so we get to go back again in about 3 months. >.<
Home again, home again, jiggity jig.
Have a recovering husband, a half-sick youngin, another youngin with a tummy ache (probably from worrying about her Daddy), I have a raging cold & I’m being all girly-fied this week.
I can’t win! Ugh.
One bright spot, aside from the husband being patched up & getting to come on home- I got my two new coats that I was supposed to get for Christmas.
Didn’t get red in this one, but black instead-
and
First time in um, 8 years that I’ve had a new coat and it felt really good to put the XL coat in the back of the closet after buying a medium & a large. Also, finally remembered to pick up a blazer from the cleaners that I hadn’t been able to wear and had subsequently forgotten about, but found while digging through the closet…it’s a medium, too. So it was like having three new coats.
Yeah, doesn’t take much to ring my chimes, does it?
Y’all take care, enjoy the rest of the weekend. I think I’ll drug up and see everyone sometime Monday.
Hehehehehe
13 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in Snigs BS
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
“Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. “This is Archie, down here at Joe ‘s Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin’ to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!”
“Well Archie,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, my cousin Harold , my next-door-neighbor Randy , and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!”
Barack paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. ” Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Barack asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry ‘s farm tractor.”
President Obama sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. ” President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said Barack. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed that many prisoners.”
SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN.
Le Sigh
08 Jan 2012 3 Comments
in Snigs BS
My “baby” turns 15 today in about 3 hours. Hard to believe…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MOST AWESOME 15 YEAR OLD IN THE WORLD!
What a start
01 Jan 2012 5 Comments
in Snigs BS
Had a couple of friends and their families over last night for what was to be a basically calm & quiet celebration.
One family was high school buddies and their two kids, 6 & 8. The other was my best bud in nursing school, her husband, daughter & a 7-month old she was babysitting.
The baby was fine. Not only was he adorable looking, he was adorable acting as well. Very quiet, very clean, very sweet.
My high school buddies’ kids? Oh dear Lord, they were holy terrors. They wanted to fiddle with everything- my Christmas decorations which are for looking at, they wanted to touch.
And play with like they were action figures.
And they ran in the house, and stomped, and beat, and banged. They jumped on my couch with shoes on!
And all the while, their mama would say, “Y’all stop. Y’all behave. Y’all quit.”.
And they continued on.
Finally, I got the 8 year old in a head lock and told him the only fireworks he would see if he kept behaving like he was, was going to be the fireworks I produced upon his ass with a belt.
That slowed him down for a bit, until his daddy laughed about it.
I came about < > close to asking them to leave. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. I even love lively kids. Unruly kids however, are not on my tolerable list.
After I said, LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE in a not-so-nice tone, the dad got to wishing “12 o’clock would hurry up & come on”.
You and me both, buddy. You and me both.
Adios
31 Dec 2011 4 Comments
in Snigs BS
2011.
I could complain, but sorry, the good of my year far outweighed the bad.
My husband had a heart attack…but lived.
I had two shitty jobs…that I quit and found a really great one.
The Boy got his driver’s license…um, looking for the ray of sunshine here…oh yeah, he’s happy. 
I lost some folks who were important to me…and I met some new folks who are becoming important to me.
Life is much better.
To you and yours, I wish the Happiest of New Years. Please be safe if you’re out and about tonight and may the coming year bring you more health, wealth & Happiness than you even deserve!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
24 Dec 2011 4 Comments
in Snigs BS
It’s 8:15, the baking is done, some presents have already been delivered.
Never got the Christmas cards out…heck, I still haven’t found them.
Haven’t gotten the family picture in front of the tree taken, either.
Le sigh.
Never-the-less, Christmas IS here. I almost hate to see it get here. No, not because I’ve not sent Christmas cards. Not because I could use another day to finish my baking.
But because…folks seem nicer at Christmastime. Kinder. More considerate. The lights, the wreaths, the bows…perhaps they remind people to smile and to atleast attempt to love their fellow man a little bit more.
But no, the 26th will come. The carols will have ended & folks “tired of the mess” will start snatching down decorations and extra kindness, consideration & decency will be packed away along with them until next Christmas.
I hope the biggest gift you receive is the Spirit of Christmas residing in you and those around you all year.
Merry Christmas & God bless us, every one.
He Said/She Said