Topics of Conversation

Things discussed with my patients this week beyond the last bowel movement…

30-06 v/s 308 with a retired Navel Officer.

Picking cotton with a woman who had 10 kids because she found when she was pregnant, she didn’t have to work in the cotton field.  From what my Mama has told me about picking cotton, I can’t say that I blame this woman!

The likelihood of alien invasion.  Doh!

How women are nothin’ but trouble.  With a 4-time widower.

There’s a submarine in Idaho, sitting in the middle of nowhere.

The crack house next door.

With a 93 year old black lady- “Obama sucks”.  Her words, not mine.

Sweeping the yard.  Grass in the yard means you’re trash.

How to rid your property of armadillos.

“If my fibromyalgia, IBS, anxiety & depression won’t get me disability, what about ‘pluminary symbolism’? Will that one work?” with a 30-something woman.

“Someone stole my car keys and hid them in the dish water.  Why do people do things like that to me?”

“The white peoples are after me. ‘Specially the KKK.” (On a day I show up in a white uniform)

At a hoarder’s house (like one you’d see on TV)- “I cleaned up before you came”.

 

24 years later…

24 yrs vs today

Could be worse, I guess.  Less hair now, more fat.  :D

Gun Porn

Snigs’ recent acquisitions…

LCP IMG_0931

A nice little CCW with Veridian green laser and a Colt 1911 that needs a little “dis-improving”…some fool painted the slide.

That will be remedied.

Ice buckets, ALS, good, evil & God…

Wow, who would have thought such debate & discord could ever come of the above ingredients?

First of all, let me say I’m not exactly a proponent of abortion. I’m not exactly against it, either. (Although I’m extremely anti late-stage abortion) It’s not my choice to make, if the outcome is burning in Hell for it, I won’t be burning for anyone else’s abortion. Being adopted, you can bet your butt I AM a proponent for adoption, but sadly, not all children are adopted by wonderful, caring, intelligent people like I was. Some have to live in Children’s Homes, orphanages, whatever you want to call them. Having personally seen what goes on IN those homes, the lives so many of those children have to lead, how it’s pure Hell on those children…well, I have to say possibly abortion would be the less cruel thing.

But that’s not my point.

Facts:
The shock of cold experienced in the “Ice Bucket Challenge” somewhat mimics the extreme muscular and neurological pain ALS patients suffer all during the day. The purpose of the challenge- call attention to a disease many, many people have no clue about AND to produce an experience that allows for some empathy, not just sympathy, toward ALS patients.

ALS Association: Does use stem cells harvested from aborted fetuses and miscarriages, as well as those harvested from cord blood.

Abortion: Has happened for ages, despite legal and moral ramifications and shall continue to happen, despite legal or moral ramifications. Whether in a clinical setting or in a poorly lit alley, they are going to happen.

Opinion:
ALS is horrible. Your brain remains intact while your body shuts down, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but you know and feel everything that is happening to you, possibly right up to the point that you know your lungs and heart will be paralyzed. I had a young patient die of ALS and knowing how much it hurt to watch a stranger dying of this disease, I promise you, I’d do pretty much anything in this world if my child or parent was suffering. From a religious point- I’d break every Commandment Moses brought down from the mountain, after all- my child IS a gift from GOD. HE entrusted me to take care of this child.

ALS Association, Abortion, Stem Cells & God: To the best of my knowledge, the ALS Association is not out there campaigning for women to have abortions. I have yet to be stopped on the street, with an offer to be impregnated and then to have an abortion so they could harvest some stem cells. As I said, abortion has happened and will continue to happen…why not let God, through scientific research, work some miracles from the remains? This is not condoning the original action, but making something good from it.

Is that not what the core of Christianity is? Taking that which is “evil” and turning it into that which is “good”?

Hover, Shift, Splash, Well Shit

I have a complaint! Now, I like how automatic toilets keep you from having to flush and either get ookey germs on your hands or risk dropping your shoe in the toilet when you flush via foot.

But dangit, I wish they weren’t quit so quick on the draw. I mean, at 44, I’m having a harder time maintaining The Hover Position…I’m either peeing more or have less stamina or something, because now in the midst of The Hover, I’m having to also execute The Foot Shift to maintain my balance.

Inevitably, when I execute The Foot Shift, the automatic toilet reads that as a sign that I’ve removed my butt from The Position and it starts into its automatic flush.

I’M NOT THROUGH, DAMMIT!

Now, while maintaining The Hover & executing The Foot Shift, I’m forced to make a choice…get my butt splashed with whatever the toilet throws at me (I mean, public toilets are like bidets–they spew when flushed!) or leave The Hover and stand up, possibly peeing down the back of my leg. Neither is a very pleasant option.

Um, ICK!

The Perch & Pray option went down the drain eons ago and when is the last time you actually saw a toilet seat cover dispenser with anything but dust in it?

There’s the option of covering the seat with half a roll of toilet paper, but some always ends up in the bowl and quickly wicks toilet water up to your butt, leaving you with that wide-eyed, oh-my-gawd-my-butt-has-toilet-water-on-it feeling.

Being a girl is just plain danged hard!

My Week Thus Far (Repeats of some statuses for my Facebook Friends)

*Red highlighting indicates facebook posts

This week has sucked royally.  I don’t want a do over on it, I just want it to BE OVER.

Monday- lousiest excuse for a staff meeting ever.  My RN was out sick (from stress, I’m guessing) and she’s the only one there who knows ANYTHING.  She and I know our patients, but the other LPN knows diddly and the other RNs know less than diddly.  So…that was 3 hours of my life I’ll never get back.  This after getting up to make coffee and a nice little house mouse goes skeeting from the kitchen to parts unknown.

Tuesday- I try to call my first patient, phone rings, he turns it on but says nothing.  I can hear the television blaring in the background and occasional odd breathing noises.  Hang up, call back, wash, rinse, repeat five times.  Sixth time- no answer.  Seventh time- no answer.  Call 911 and of course get the service for the county I’m in.  Explain I need 911 service for his county (I’m still 45 minutes out), they were very nice, got me in touch with the right county, they have a deputy in the area, he’ll check it out.

Never heard shit back from them, despite giving them my number.

Get to the patient finally and he’s gorked to the gills on pain meds and muscle relaxers.  >.< Heart rate 150, BP 60/40ish, he’s out there, somewhere.  Told me he’d been taking 2 Percocets and 2 Flexerils every two hours.  Dispatched him to the ER.

Did I mention this is my favorite patient ever?  He really is.  Love him like family.  The rest of the day was kinda downhill from there.

Oh, and the house mouse is still trying to set up house in MY house…

Today- At 5:23 AM Earl Mouse went to The Great Cheddar Wheel in the sky. If he’d had a tombstone, the epitaph would have read “I’d still be here if I hadn’t raised so much hell when the trap clamped down on my tail and I hadn’t woke Snigs up”. Mr. Mouse was named Earl postmortem, because as we all know, Earl Had to Die.

I skip off to work, happy to know Earl is gone (by the way, I bashed his tiny skull in with an unloaded 410 shotgun.  Don’t wake me up at 0523 if you don’t want the same treatment).

Had a relatively decent work day.  Everybody was upright and in fairly good health.

Then, stop by the grocery store on the way home and encounter:   To the little guy at Bells in Lexington,, who was buying his groceries (a box of Nilla Wafers, 2 boxes of HyTop cereal, a 4 lb bag of potatoes, a gallon of milk and a couple of packs of cookies):

I know you thought you were just THE SHIZ with your winged mullet and long sleeved oxford cloth shirt with the sleeves rolled up and the shirt unbuttoned nearly to your waist. And aside from the waist of his pants being somewhere close to his knees, I was amazed that your son was willingly (?) pulling off the same winged mullet as you.

I was further amazed that he was pulling off the same shitty attitude, but I digress.

Anyway, you really didn’t have to RUN to get in front of me in the check-out line. I would have let you in front of me. And when I laughed, it wasn’t a school girl giggle over how cute you [thought] you were, it was because I thought you were just hilarious running to get in front of me with my 3 items.

Oh, when the young lady opened another line and I casually walked over to it while you complained loudly YOU could have gotten in that line if you’d only known she was going to open that register, that raspberry I blew at you meant Kiss My Butt. You looked so confused I just had to explain.

Was typing that up when I hear The Boy and The Girl raising all sorts of hell in the other end of the house.  “WHAT THE HELL ARE Y’ALL DOING?” was answered by The Boy with “Um, you really don’t want to know.”.  Too vague an answer.  I repeated the question.  The Boy shows up at my bedroom door with “YOU REALLY DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!”.

Yes, I did…I HAD to push it…and…

I’m moving. The kids just found a freaking snake in the house. Oh hell no, white girl ain’t playing this shit. MAMA, I’M COMING HOME!

Ok, I took it to this city’s resident herpetologist and he says “Juvenile Rat Snake”. He took it out of the bottle and checked it out thoroughly.

Apparently, he {the snake} has a facebook account and saw there was a mouse in my house. He should have called before he came though.

MAMA!!! I’m spending the night at your house tonight!!!

My mother just laughed.

Shit.

And it’s ONLY Wednesday!!

Click it, then share it PLEASE

The Husband’s oldest son recently hitched up with a girl who has two adorable kids.  Turns out, her handsome soccer playing, trampoline jumping, bike riding, pool swimming, 100% normal 6 year old son is a double amputee who doesn’t let that little fact slow him down.

With the most likes at THIS PAGE, he’ll get to be guest of honor at a Marvel Superheros show.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?  CLICK IT AND SHARE!!  He’s currently at #11- *I* want him at #1 !

(He’s also a sweet little guy with really good manners and an awesome outlook on life!!)

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