Happy Mother’s Day!

To all mothers everywhere, I hope you have a genuinely wonderful Mother’s Day.

If you’re not a mother, but you have one, go hug her- PRONTO!

What’s the closest you’ve come to dying…

…someone asked me not too long ago.  Didn’t take but a minute to whittle memories down to the answer.

Let’s see- the car crash?  Nope, I LOOKED like death, but I was far from it.  Gotta love an open head wound for making it look like you’re gonna bleed to death.  Never thought I was going to die during that though.

Perhaps it was dealing with the ex-husband?  No, I figured one day he would kill me, but during any of his lousy beatings I never felt death was knocking at that moment.

Let’s see- the time my dad found my stash of birth control “stuff”?  No, didn’t think I was going to die then, but I sure wanted to.

It was a stupid thing that almost left the world minus a Snigglefrits.  I was too big for my britches, over-estimated my own abilities and damned near killed myself.

I was always a very strong swimmer.  Hell, I was a life guard at one time.  I swam my 18 laps in record time to qualify for the training and never breathed hard.  I could flip a boat, strip and make life preservers from my clothing in less than 3 minutes (shoes included).  I could jump in the water and never go under.  When they were recording how long we could tread water and float, I was the last one out of the pool- heck, all the other folks had gone home.  They finally wrote “indefinitely” for my time and told me to get out of the pool.

I swam every summer until I was so sore I could hardly walk.  I’d get myself into swimming shape, then swim circles around everyone else.

I was a good swimmer.

So the end of the summer of ‘94, I had no qualms when a bunch of my friends and I decided to rent a pontoon and spend the day on the lake.   Nobody was drinking, we were all basically calm and orderly (except when a few select songs were playing on the radio), we boated around, fished a bit and generally had a good time.  Most August/September days in Georgia are hotter than a $2 pistol and this was no exception, so when we all stripped down to our bathing suits, nobody thought twice about swimming.

I was a great swimmer.  I could float, tread, and out-stroke them all.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot I was right at 7 months pregnant.

I was the first one to dive in.

Damn, the water was rough.  Heh, it hit me- we were swimming at the edge of the river channel that ran through the middle of the lake.  I knew the risks of swimming that close to the strong current.  I had known people who drowned from its undertow.  I was a better swimmer than them I reminded myself.

When I was not pregnant.

The boat was drifting toward shore- just out of the current’s reach.  Everybody else was on the shore side of the boat who was in the water, the folks still on the boat were yelling and playing with them.  I was on the other side…being pulled further away from the boat.

I started treading water.  Tried to holler- got a mouthful of water.  During the coughing and sputtering trying to clear my lungs, I was completely caught by the current.  Trying to tread water was becoming increasingly harder.  But, but, but!!  My swimming instructors listed me as being able to tread “indefinitely”!  Indefinitely was becoming a shorter period of time.

And I panicked.  I was going to die.  I was just short of 7 months pregnant and I was going to die.  I began the drowning person’s dance of thrashing.  I couldn’t get a clear breath, I couldn’t tread, I couldn’t float.  I could barely keep my eyes above the water and all I could see was that boat, going the opposite direction from me.

Somewhere about then I decided that day was not a good day to die.  I quit thrashing and started kicking again.  I found my imaginary “bike” and started treading water again.  When I got tired, I’d suck in every bit of air I could and would force myself to float.

Finally someone realized I was not in the midst of the activities and they spotted me.  When they got to me, I had used every last ounce of energy I’d ever had.  I didn’t think they’d make it in time.  I remember my son’s namesake diving in and towing me (ME!  The former life guard!) back to the boat.

I remember being very quiet the rest of the day.  Funny how thinking you’re fixing to die will do that for you.

Dream a Little Dream

So, I didn’t eat hot peppers for supper, didn’t eat any snacks before bedtime. No caffeine either, just a glass of water. Haven’t watched any strange movies or t.v. shows and haven’t read any creepy books.

Whether it lasted all night or only a few minutes, I’m not sure.

But I was somewhere odd, not sure where. There were plenty of folks around and public bath houses. And a something. Folks around me were calling it a Chupacabra. I raised an eyebrow. Not one to much believe in monsters and the stereotypical alien, I was finding this hard to believe.

Then the screaming started- people were being attacked. Mass pandemonia ensued. People were trying to hide, but it wasn’t working.

I gathered together 3 young people, teenagers maybe? My goal was to get them away from said “thing”. Ended up on a flatbed train car bound for somewhere I don’t remember. I took some item of some sort (seems it resembled a CD or DVD) from each of them and sealed it in plastic. They’d be safe as long as they didn’t mess with the item, whatever it was.

Then it went all documentary on me- one of the girls had mailed the item to someone, it came unsealed and the “thing” hunted her down and killed her.

Now, I’m not claiming this to be prophetic, I’m just wondering where the hell it came from.

Dreams are weird- I’d rather have repeated the dream I had the night before.

Ick I Say, Ick!

When I die, I do not want to be cremated (I’ve spent enough time here hot, don’t intend to go out hot) and I don’t want to be buried.  Not real keen on being launched into space or dropped in the sea either.

Damnit, just drag my carcass out into the woods and let the buzzards and bugs do their thing.

Send me to a body farm, whatever.

But do NOT dissolve me and flush me down the sewer though- or I will come back to haunt your ass for.effing.ever.

Snigs Waits Impatiently

For Indy to return. <<Click it!

Consider it a PSA

When your significant other offers you the choice of joining her in a hot, steamy, wet bath or surfing the net…

…surfing the net is the wrong. frickin. choice.

Future offers are likely to be much fewer and much further between.

Getting To Know Your Inner Cartoon Self

This was sent to me by a friend and instead of stuffing up the intrawebz, I figured posting it here would work. (Not to mention I can’t think of a thing to post about today except for something not nice about my mother and it’s too close to Mother’s Day for that)

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test. (They were overpaid and apparently bored)

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end before you are done ..

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

Now see, this answer would depend on who the date was with- say it were Alex O’Loughlin, the answer would be “none of the above” since there is no f) Wild sex wherever we fall.

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)

c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts )
e) Pop (3 pts.)

b) apparently got lost in cyberspace. I don’t know if it was classic, jazz, hiphop, disco, 80’s or what.
3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

Not that I prefer them, but once again there seems to be an option f) missing. Pron is some folks favorite types of movies I’d imagine.

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

Where is option f) Play on the computer?!?

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts)
d) Dark Blue(2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

No pink? No green? Damnit, I love all the colors of the rainbow!

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween(1 pt.)
b) Christmas(3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine’s Day(4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving(5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

Ok, in a quandary here- I’ve always wanted to go to Vegas to gamble and Hawaii to get a good lei. I gave myself a 2.5 for this one.

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Someone sentimental? Yeah, I just love sitting around thinking of yesteryear. Yawn. And someone who’s intelligent and has fun is quite attractive, so I averaged the 3 answers and came up with 3.3.

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn’t mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what’s in and you ‘ re never out of style , you are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it’s funny and calm for the most part Stay away from traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don’t let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points ) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker… Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

With my averaging some answers, it would seem I’m walking the line between Elmo and Sponge Bob.

Just call me Tickle Me Square Pants.

A Lesson In Conservation

Our parents teach us many important things as we grow up.  I feel a need to impart some of the wisdom my father has bestowed upon me over the years.

This is lesson 1- How to Conserve Toilet Paper

It’s a time of crisis.  You only have a small amount of toilet paper left and for whatever reason, you won’t be able to get anymore for several days.  Fear not!  Toilet paper conservation is simple!

STEP ONE:

Take one square of toilet paper.

STEP TWO:

Fold said sheet in half as shown-

STEP THREE:

Fold in half again as shown-

STEP FOUR:

Tear the front corner (where all the folds meet!) off as shown-

BE VERY CAREFUL WITH THIS SMALL CORNER PIECE- IF YOU LOSE IT, YOU’RE IN TROUBLE!

STEP FIVE:

Unfold both the square and the small torn out piece.  I repeat, DO NOT lose the smaller piece!

STEP SIX:

Put your finger through the hole in the square of paper-

STEP SEVEN:

Wipe.  No photo available, use your imagination!

STEP EIGHT:

Use the small piece of paper to clean out from under your fingernail-

There you have it.  A simple 8 step process that ensures you are doing what’s best for our planet.  Sheryl Crow would be proud of you.

Grrrrr

My ISP is not making me happy these days.  Not that it’s a new problem.  They suck boulders through drinking straws.

Tonight, I get online long enough to read an email, then the connection dies before I can answer it.

Or I am connected long enough to read a blog comment, then it goes belly up before I can post something new.

Someone who will remain anonymous suggested setting the grass on fire at their office to make the point I’m a highly dissatisfied customer.  It’s looking like a viable option.

Tonight I made TWO calls to tech support.  The first time around, they said the problem was on my end.  Hung up from that call, called back and got a different dude.  After a MERE 45 MINUTES on the line with him, he finally figured out it was a problem at our exchange.

45 minutes of “have you…?” with me cutting him off with “Yes, I have”.

I swear levels 1-9 tech support personnel are Wal-Mart’s rejects.

Get Up & Dance!

Was talking to a good friend about dancing.

His statement was something along the lines of- Women look good dancing, men look….constipated.

I beg to differ.

A note to all guys under the age of I don’t know, whatever age men start thinking dancing men look constipated- LEARN TO DANCE!

I don’t care how well you learn, but learn to dance enough that you’re confident to take your young lady’s hand and lead her out on that dance floor.

We will not think you look constipated and WE are the ones who count, aren’t we?  Most women LOVE a man who will dance.

Just Snigs advice for the day.